30 days

movie life

In 30 days I am leaving behind everything I am familiar with. all my friends, family, and the one person who loves me unconditionally. I am sacrificing security and comfort. I am trading it all to move to a country I have never been to, where I only know the popular dance moves and how to say “Hello! I love you! Really?”. I have a one-way ticket to Seoul, with dreams to be on billboards and magazines.

I blame movies. Movies and anime. I want my life to be a movie, motivated by the same dreams and ambitions that Japan has taught me to believe in. Luffy wants to be a pirate king, and I believe in him. I tell my friends I want to model in Asia, and they believe in me. I feel as though time is running out and I have to attempt to try to live this life before the looks run out. If all else fails, if no one wants me in Korea, Japan, Singapore, Hong Kong, Shanghai, Thailand or Taiwan… then I will admit defeat. I will have to fall back on my original dreams of movie making, which isn’t so bad. it will always be there for me. “Always have a plan B” is a momism repeatedly barraged into my skull.

I know exactly 2 people there, who have paved a comfortable path for me to try to land and get on my own two feet (let’s hope it’s still two when I get there). I couldn’t even attempt this dream if it weren’t for them. the planets have been aligning for this moment, and I need to take the opportunity. I am so anxious and grateful for my friends in Seoul, but worry if I linger too long it will strain our friendship. I worry about being lost in a land where I can’t communicate to stylish and handsome people. I worry about things a lot, but my biggest worry that trumps all else is living an unexciting life. I can’t idly sit watching others pass me by on their way to reaching goals and having adventures and meeting people around the world. it can’t be THAT hard, I see pictures on the internet of people doing these things ALLLLL the time.

can’t say this choice isn’t without heavy emotions, and lots of them. a forever thank you to all those I confided in and took the time to listen to my flamboyant agony. I felt repetitive and anxious a lot for the past 18 months. but life goes on, as it does, forever. you can fight the tide to make it difficult or you can go along for the ride. life isn’t a scripted movie, maybe more like a text adventure.

[will you follow your dreams?: y or n]

*about the image & quote: that photo was taken of me at scarecrow video, the place I worked at for 5 years and loved with all my heart. it was taken right before I left for Japan, that other big life adventure/dream/chance I took. it’s still relevant this time around. the quote is from a Korean Sherlock Holmes-esq movie called Private Eye. A woman at the end of the film was about to board a ship to America and she said that. Kind of ironic I’m saying that and going to Korea? Also, I hate cheesy sentimental words in dramatic fonts, so I decided to place it how I saw it: in subtitle form.

5 Comments

  1. David says:

    An immigrant friend gave me this advice about living abroad. “There will be some situations that don’t agree with you. It’s fine to sit those ones out.”
    There will be tons of interesting new stuff, but it’s nice to remember that you don’t have to like everything.

  2. James says:

    You’re brave..I’ve wanted to do something like that my entire life, but having no money and knowing nobody outside the state that I live in frightens me to no end.

    • alextthomas says:

      it is scary, leaving your comfort zone. but it’s a good scary, an EXCITING scary. it’s scary how many possible things that could happen–GOOD things! meeting people, seeing new things, trying new foods, not knowing what is going to happen.

      I was scared. I couldn’t sleep at night and I was wrought with guilt of leaving everything behind. but you know what scared me more? never leaving. never trying. never seeing new things, doing the same thing for the rest of my life and seeing all the same things I’ve already seen. that fear of being complacent and letting life pass me by overwhelmed the fear of getting on a plane and not looking back.

      whats the worse thing that could happen? the absolute worse: you could die? ok, but you can die staying where you are now, too. if you die on an adventure, that is the most exciting way to go. maybe I watch too much anime and movies, but I would rather die trying to live my dream then live a safe and boring life.

      my heart is beating remembering when I made the decision, set the date and bought the plane ticket. I can remember how scared and excited I was. I cried a lot, I was not brave. but once I was on that plane a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I made it. it was just the first step into the unknown but I followed through on what I decided to do. there was no turning back. and then again, if all failed, I could return. I didn’t want to and I refuse to (and that was the worst thing that could happen, in my opinion), so looking at it that way there really is nothing to fear.

      if you say that you really want to do something like that, listen to yourself. don’t second guess it and don’t make excuses. you can literally do anything you want to do. you’re the only one stopping yourself. there is always a way. don’t blame money and don’t blame not knowing anyone. at least take a trip somewhere by yourself, it really is an exciting experience. people are people, we are all humans. we all want to connect. you will find many people like you if you push yourself. you’re not alone. especially in this day and age, the internet can connect you to anyone you want around the world. you can also travel without having money, look into work exchange. you work on a farm picking berries for a month and they give you food and a place to stay. it’s not uncommon.

      don’t regret not living life. you only get one. I’m living proof you can do whatever set your mind to. I haven’t had money for years. don’t blame money on holding you back from your dreams. if you go out and try something new, I will be rooting you on! you can do it, I promise you. don’t fear failure. fear not ever trying. that is way scarier than anything I can ever imagine.

Leave a Comment