I lost myself. where was I for 6 months. I remember being on top of that 12 story building, watching the first sun rise of 2014, resilient thoughts of hope, unwavering inspirational images flashing through my mind. “this is it, this is the year everything goes right” I told myself. everyone said similar thoughts aloud, and I believed them.
somewhere I lost myself. it’s half way through 2014 and 6 months I spent without a job, aimlessly floating, forgetting what I was doing hour to hour, day by day until it become month to month. a collection of empty days, lined up like dust-covered beanie babies. whats the point. I imagine sand running through my fingers as a clear representation of where my time went. what did I accomplish? my memory is shrouded. I went to Seoul, ok. I came back to Tokyo and waited. and waited. waited 6 months total to receive my visa I applied for in January. nothing could start, nothing could begin. not without the visa. I had to look through my instagram feed to double check if I did anything. apparently, I did some things. saw some people, ate some food. that’s a relief. why do I feel like I am sitting here with nothing to show? 6 months, I could have studied Japanese. I could have watched more movies. I could have gotten into shape. all that time, what did I do? all the things I want to do but was too listless to do it day to day. a collection of moldy, moth-eaten, polyester pointed-collar clothes from the 70s. worthless.
2 weeks prior I had an onslaught of visitors that I focused all my energy on. one after the other, overlapping, marching through tokyo. I wanted to be the hostess with the most-ess representing all of Japan. my last guest returned to whence they came and I was alone again. all my previously ignored worries, troubles and emotions came crashing forward to the front of my mind. It was as if I woke up drowning in an empty well. nothing made sense, all I could hear was a pathetic sound of sadness echoing back at me and I could barely make out a sliver of light above me. I didn’t want to get back up. I couldn’t be bothered even imagining to deal with the day ahead of me. I forgot who I was and didn’t care if I ever remembered again. I was tired of always having to pick myself back up when I was down. I was down for the count this time, it seemed.
10, 9, 8…
I was focused on all the wrong things. I was sad about boys. sad about being sad about boys. sad about feeling pathetic. I was envious of my friends, frustrated no one was paying attention, no one was listening. everyone else was in their own world, with their own problems. I felt I had to be strong for them but I was feeling weak. I hated feeling weak. I also hated being talked-over, so I didn’t talk.
7, 6, 5…
what was I doing in japan? I finally got here, but now what? I love this place, but what good am I? is this the right place for me to be right now? what do I want to do? what can I do?
overwhelmed with how underwhelmed I had become. I was exhausted. I was spiraling into myself, forgetting what it was like to feel happy, free, hopeful, positive. forgetting who I was and who I wanted to be, what I set out to do. I had no energy. I hated what I was doing and how I was feeling, but I forgot what it was like to feel any other way. listless and comfortable in misery was so much easier than getting up again. I wasn’t comfortable in this misery but like your bones sinking into your mushy body on a rock-hard bed, I was afraid if I moved, the aching would get worse. so I stayed unmoving, unwavering, uncomfortable.
I didn’t know what to do or who to talk to. someone specific set off a certain chain of emotions, and a mutual link from our past came to mind. I reached out to someone back from my hometown, someone I hadn’t spoken to in years and gushed to them a long rambling tumbling mess of an email full of pent up confused emotions. I was destroyed. they gave me their time and listened to everything I had to say. their words, patience, encouragement and honesty woke me up. they said things I needed to hear, and part of it was a rejuvenating but stinging slap in the face. something clicked–but not before feeling physically ill with a stomach full of knots for hours. it hit me hard in the best ways possible. I hung onto every word.
I was nearly down for the count, but I was saved at the last possible second. I got back up. the person who I had always been was re-awakened with determination, focus and fighting spirits. I vowed never to feel sorry for myself again. I was standing again, and no one was going to keep me down. especially not myself.
your mind is your most powerful ally or most dangerous enemy. it can lead you into a deep dark hole of despair or take you soaring to the highest of highs. you are what you think you are. I am what I believe I am. it’s that simple. simple, but not easy. it takes time and lots of self-control. you have to throw away negative thoughts and worries, which at times may feel impossible. remember that “nothing is impossible“. the moment you want to change, is the moment things will change. “know your value” I was told. you create your world and it starts with your attitude. you can overcome anything and any one can do it. you really have to honestly believe you can, and you will. everyone has the strength, but many can’t see it. everything you’ve ever wanted, you can have and everything you’ve always wanted to be, you are. it’s there for you, so go and fucking get it.
I’m ready to take on Tokyo, even through another scorching summer. let’s do this.