my eyes sting. lack of sleep, the awful fluorescent light or maybe the A/C blasting–a combination of all 3 probably. I spent most of the day a bit dizzy until I drank more alcohol at a gathering for a 3rd-tier k-pop star in a KBBQ oasis.
I feel like I am in a constant state of looking forward. I can’t remember where I have been because all I can concentrate on is worrying where I am going. It’s as if I fell asleep for a moment during a movie and I am trying to piece together everything else I missed. am I really in Tokyo? Wasn’t I just living in Seattle? no, I was in Seoul. it was cold there, what was I doing there. how did I survive with no money and no real job? How am I suddenly drenched in sweat in Tokyo when I recall being frozen every night in my basement apartment, awake at 4am drinking chicken broth and eating too much dark chocolate?
now I share a room with a friend in which we go on all-night adventures involving conbini drinking, boys in bars, and occasionally meeting famous japanese and (semi-famous) korean celebrities. we are up eating snacks we didn’t meant to eat, watching everyone pass us by to begin their office jobs, loosing track of “technically” which day it is. if I sat down and plotted these events down on paper, the pencil tracing the dots might connect easier than the flashes of memories in my mind. time is going fast, each week completely different than the last… even though I still somehow have the same busy routine. already it’s saturday but just 7 days before I was drinking in shinjuku with the son of the guy who writes the pokemon movies. he was really cute and we planned to meet again but already I’ve been forgotten by him (I don’t forget as easily, which is an emotional burden).
I keep losing inspiration and focus. some days I gain it back with wrought determination–but I feel like a blind bull. I want to charge forward but I don’t know what I’m aiming for. I just know I need to go full force although I’m a bit lost. I don’t know what I need anymore. I have theories and ideas but none come into play so easily. I do know I need a new pair of shoes, because the soles are falling off. but all of my birthday money was spent on bills.
Life has been a blur the past 9 months and in 2 more I have actually no idea where I will be. I am hoping with all my might that things just fall into place, because right now I seem to have zero control of my own fate. in the meantime my chest is a little tight, my shoulders sore, and my mind a little sad. I try to stay in the moment.
my mother taught me this when I was stressed about uncontrollable things. it’s important to enjoy where you are at any given moment so you don’t miss it. I don’t want to be thinking about visa troubles or boys who broke my heart or not having money. so I have to look around and notice the convenience of the conbini, the anime characters selling perfume on billboards, the cheap sushi, the school kids and their cute little hats, the efficient toilets, the shapes of the buildings and all the other things that are unique only to Japan that I can silently appreciate for the low cost of free. many people want to be in Japan or Korea, so I have to remember to step out of my own head and enjoy it for those kids on the internet who dream about making it here (as I once was).
I’m trying really hard to kiss k-pop stars and drink soju by the han river like in the k-dramas. I’m trying really hard to live my life like an anime and hope that the popular japanese boy will notice me while I eat onigiri in shibuya. ok maybe Japan and Korea hasn’t turned out exactly like my k-dreams and j-wishes, but being here is half the battle. in reality, 99% of asian men are afraid of me.
this life in tokyo isn’t what I imagined, but nothing ever turns out the way I imagine with my delusions of grandeur. I think I will be ok, only because there is no other option.