When I was younger I wanted desperately to be famous. I wanted to grow up and be a pop star. While day dreaming at dinner, lolling peas about with my fork, I told my parents I would be famous one day. I would buy them Cadillacs, mansions and trips to exotic beaches. they always laughed and incredulously asked how I would go about doing that. I simply said “I’m going to be discovered”. more uproarious laughter. they probably thought their daughter was just dreaming out her butt, head in the clouds with zero work ethic. well, not too much has changed from when I was 10, but I am working a lot harder at these goals (before the looks run out). 15 years later, I was discovered during a hair show and signed to a modeling agency the following week.
for just a moment, I felt as if I was living in a beautiful and skillfully described short paragraph in a book. a story that maybe not everyone has read, but the author put their heart and soul into telling.
a vivid and wonderful handful of seconds that could only be painted by a talented person with the ability to describe an atmosphere with a flourish of fancy words, carefully lined in a sculpted sentence.
to convey a strong yet vague portrait of a snapshot in time is not something I can do. to share a distinct but at the same time ambivalent air of abstract, I can’t quite figure it out.
it was warm, it was peaceful. it was quiet yet loud. it was calming but exciting. it was like a playful smirk but hiding something secret. all around me. I felt infinite in a comfortable and confined box.
when I became aware of it, I accepted it and burned it into my brain to try and keep it there forever to come back to when I needed it. then the moment was gone, but I wasn’t sad. it was nice.
you just had to be there
Saturday began at 7:58 pm. the time when the sun was in the sky was meaningless and inconvenient. blinds were shut, movies were started, naps interrupted. I drove the long way ’round to the side of water I grew up on (but was not born in). I live now where I was born. only because I have a thoughtful and forward-thinking mother who was determined to bear me in a city that people know on a map, so I could grow up and tell people I was born IN Seattle and not have to lie about it to save time explaining what a “Kirkland” is. however, I like to tell that fun fact and thusly it adds time I was originally to save about the fascinating story of my birthplace.
Saturday night. went to Kirkland. Long way ’round. met up with a photographer bud to shoot some “Gucci Goth” (as he referred to it) shots around a marina. I approached Kirkland looking like a 90s goth club kid—all black asymmetrical dress, floppy black boots and a bowler hat. and let’s not ignore the bedazzled cross tank atop. I approached the sidewalk, dodging girls in neon sneakers and shorts, flipping their pony tails as they jogged with their tiny muppet dogs.
Definitely born in Seattle, not so much Kirkland.
after successful night time shoot with purple lipstick and wading in the water full of rocks, I maneuvered my way back to Seattle just in time to stop and grab a gluten-free pizza (pictured). got it to go, cuz I had to go. watch. STEPHEN CHOW MOVIES.
12:30 am, still “early”. Settled in, reading Murakami short stories (the elephant vanishes) when phone rings around 1:38 am. my friend Jazz! it must be an emergency!
I am a cult classic movie in a niche market. that’s the type of girl I am, and I have always used this metaphor to remind myself not everyone wants me. this has never been a shocking discovery at a moment of awakening. I have a distinct and unwavering personality, I’m what you’re looking for or I’m not (that sentence wasn’t meant to sound “abrasive in-your-face” or anything, I think that’s just how it must be with me). Before I even got into modeling, I knew all about rejection and tried to prepare myself for it. Rejection and I are familiar friends, actually. We really got to know each other for awhile but as these things go, sometimes you lose touch. occasionally I would run into Rejection and we would acknowledge each other from afar in passing or even stop to make small talk about his wife, the kids. you know, this and that. Rejection and I will never be total strangers, I cross paths with Rejection as if we were tied by the red string of fate. it’s not a surprise to see Rejection when I do, but it can be a chore to make that pointless small exchange after all these years.
I found my old blogspot blog with a total of 14 posts ranging from 2009 to 2010. I think those were my best internet entries of the online black hole blogging abyss. I would ramble, but short and to the point. one image, no clutter, completely mindless and babbling. the best kind of blog. it was like I knew no one read it, and kept it up only for my own amusement. maybe dashed with a hint of “someone might come across this, but I doubt it” vibe. I was in a ______ time. that could be filled with any typical early 20s adjectives such as “weird” or “lazy” but those times are sort of still that kind of time. I was a little unmotivated, as I seem to recall. but a good, amusing and reflective 14 entries.
present times: still not really capitalizing letters.
currently: reading my 7th of 13 Murakami books. I am always a sucker for a story about folks of the night. one chapter in, I’m diggin it. I just finished Wild Sheep Chase which I didn’t realize was related to Dance Dance Dance, which I read first. I enjoyed both. I like Murakami’s aimless and mediocre main characters. they always get into some sort of mishap adventure involving more interesting people. sometimes I feel like those main characters, although I wish I could talk to cats.
If I have to feel like anyone right now, it’s gonna be Makimura Kaori if you must know.
a year ago today, I was in Tokyo. My life was great, although a challenge. I made my biggest dream come true of all time, I was living in Japan. Devin and I were only there a measly 6 weeks when the Sendai earthquake hit. we meant to stay at least 6 months. after the earthquake, explosions, tsunami, radiation, black-outs, food hoarding and general uncertainty, we had to leave the dream behind. a week later we left tokyo. 30 hours at the airport–the last place I ever wanted to be–and then back to Seattle.
I had a long list of things I wanted to accomplish while I was there. I barely knew Japanese, but was just thrilled to wake up everyday and just BE in JAPAN. It was a very difficult route to get to Japan in the first place. I didn’t have a job, and I couldn’t teach English without a university degree. I found out I was allergic to tatami mats and we didn’t have very much money to spend on things like “heat” and “food”. I had a hot water bottle to put in my futon at night to try to stay warm. I ate triangle rice balls every day from the convenience stores. I was poor, cold, with limited funds to ride the subway and hustlin er’ry day to try and find work. but as far as I was concerned, I was living the dream! I was the happiest girl on the planet, in my mind!
I have never felt connected to a huge disaster before, even when they happened to America. I’m not sure why, I have plenty of empathy to go around. I’m not even sure just by me being there the day of the 9.0 earthquake, connected me in a way, because it was on another level I felt so heartbroken over what happened. I felt like an outsider (which I literally was) but I felt there was nothing we could do but get out of the way, I suppose.
every day after the earthquake was hundreds of aftershocks. some over 6.0 more than once a day. It was an adventure, to say the least. I saw the infamous Shibuya Crossing look like a ghost town. no one was at the crossing and all the giant skyscraper video screens were turned off. I am pretty sure very few people will ever see it look like that in their lifetime. bizarro land.
I can’t believe it’s been a year. it’s always interesting to think where you were a year ago today. or 2, or 3. time and life is linear, but I’m rarely ever thinking of the present. I’m always being nostalgic or thinking of the possibilities of the future. I think things are going pretty well right now, but all I want in life is to get back to Japan!
I started reading again. It’s a bizarre thing to say, but I hadn’t read a book in ages. sure, magazines and manga I have read. instruction books and backs of shampoo bottles–but no novels in years. I worked at the largest video store in the WORLD for nearly 5 years, why would I make time to read when I could be watching any movie at any point from any country at my disposal? well it turns out books are pretty cool, and you should make the time to read.
About the last few books I have read–
Last week was a successful taste of what it would be like to be slightly famous and constantly working. Everything went according to plan in the best ways possible. filmed a local TV commercial (12 hours of reading/sipping tea/napping and 20 minutes of shooting), DJed (=drank/danced) a fun & first J-pop + K-pop dance night, and then nailed a london hair show/runway casting friday night. Spent all weekend getting my hair did by top notch london fashion week stylists, walked the runway and snacked in the catering room at the Neptune Theater.
I took a hardcore nap when I got home on sunday for reals. babylovecrash indeed.
This was taken by one of the cute PA boys on the set of the commercial. I didn’t take any that day, except for when I didn’t know I was eating a gross kumquat and had to ask what it was via the internet. The commercial was shot on the Phantom camera, which is like a literal dream. it shoots at 1500 frames a second, it’s the most amazing slow motion camera of all time. it was used in Sherlock Holmes 2 and Scott Pilgrim. and now I will also be amongst the greats in phantom cam history. at snoqualmie casino! ha! during this scene I was probably 100 pages into my book. they paid me to read all day, basically. I am not even complaining a baby bit. you meet a lot of interesting people in this biz, it’s always fun to talk to people. my scene was me being pumped at a concert. it’ll most likely be 2 seconds long. I am ecstatic.
I coerced Devin into coming to the show to take pics and support his model gf (me!). This year was a lot of waiting around compared to last year. I was the demo model twice in the last show and I only walked the runway in this one. but of course, that just means chatting with people and eating food in the back, so I will continually not complain about these minute (fun) matters.
for the past 3 weeks or so I have been eating the same thing every day. Korean seaweed, sticky rice, tuna, honey soaked umeboshi (pickled plums) and some variety of green tea. It’s all I crave, I don’t want anything else. maybe a smoothie or a salad here and there, but mostly just this. sometimes twice a day. almost 99% of the time while watching anime. I hope I don’t eat so much of it that by time I get back to Japan I won’t want to eat onigiri ever again (that will never happen)!!
This upcoming week is going to be intense! Wednesday I am shooting a commercial for a casino that will probably be on local TV (本当に恥ずかしい). I tried out through my modeling agency, not thinking I would get it (I am not good at acting, but trying out is always a ridiculous challenge) and then I got it. now I am laughing at myself. I don’t watch TV and I’m hoping no one I know from high school does either…
Thursday I am doing my very first DJ set as DJ BABYLOVECRASH! It’s pretty much a big chunk of dreams come true all in one night. I got the name from Super Junior’s A-Cha! Video and Eunhyuk says “HEY BABY LOVE CRASH!” and it just spoke to me ya know? That will be so much fun! Picking my own K-pop playlist that I can dance to in the club! everyone will be riding the Hallyu WAAAVE! adding “DJ” to my list of things I have done in life… now I can say “Lazy Otaku by day, Model DJ by night”. these life choices continually make me laugh, so I am having fun amusing myself.
Then! Friday and possibly all weekend I am trying out/doing another hair show, involving high end fashion London hairstylists on a run-way at the old Neptune Theater. Last time I worked with them I got signed to SMG! That was a fun show.
I used to hate tea. Don’t know why I had such a strong opinion over it either way, I don’t remember even trying any when I was younger. This was also a time in my life where I would eat a lot of grossly saturated foods of sorts and thus, tea was a bland stale taste in comparison. tastes change, people change, tea stays the same. and it’s actually quite amazing. I’m admittedly quite obsessed with it now, having invested in many pricey devices to ensure I can quickly–without loss in quality–enjoy tea every day. I take everyone who peaks interest to a chinese tea shop downtown where we sit for hours and try every tea they have. loose leaf tea is my preferred tea snobbery of choice. I like that the tea has health benefits of different types, it’s fun to feel healthy and put good things in your body!
I just wonder if I had enjoyed tea 6 years ago as much as I do now, if there was a definite sliding door of a parallel path in my life that I missed. dramatic, I know. obviously things now would not be affected from one night several years past, but maybe there could have been more clarity from accepting a certain tea offer that I flippantly refused so long ago.
I remember the moment so vividly, when the tea was offered. I was getting ready to leave his apartment after a well needed talk was convoluted and not going so smoothly. the words exchanged other than “stay, I’ll make us some tea” and me refusing with “tea has too watered down of a flavor”, I don’t recall much else. He was leaning on the back of his couch and playfully put his hands in my jacket pockets as he made such an offer. it was adorable and I probably panicked. feeling overwhelmed that he was so close and casually being somewhat intimate for the first time, I pulled away not wanting him to see my cheeks light up with a red hue. I did feel that way about tea, though.
had I stayed for a talk over tea, would I have gotten that ease of mind I needed at the time?
perhaps depending on the tea. some tea has good un-clouding effects on the mind.
thinking about it now, he also offered numerous opportunities to talk over other such beverages but I blew it every time. so I guess the struggle was all my own over those immature tea-disliking years.
when tea is offered to you, drink!