in this outfit, I am an unpopular 12 year old boy. but I am the type of 12 year old middle school boy who doesn’t give a shit, and wears what he likes. I probably read comics during math class and skip after school sports by riding my skateboard down to the pizza joint to play arcade games. girls probably like me, but I am too busy with my paper route and saving up for action figures to notice them. girls are gross anyway.
eat my shorts.
I wore this outfit the other day, running errands. even though I was pretty pumped as I put it together, as soon as I left the house I was self-conscious. I know I look ridiculous, but it still worked. it made me happy when I was in my own world in the safety of my own home, away from judging eyes. I thought way too much about it and became anxious and uncomfortable over it. ironically, it was the most comfortable outfit I had worn in ages.
I am unsure when I became like this, so worried about what strangers thought of my clothing choices. I used to wear insanely strange outfits way more often. In high school I would wear items of clothing including but not limited to: head-to-toe pleather, purple velvet platform knee-highs, patched jeans of different colors (flared), oversized fake fur coats, sparkly half-shoulder tops, etc, etc. always trying something new.
my theory is that I must be with someone. if I am with someone, looking weird (see: awesome) then judging eyes can fuck off because hey! check it out, I have a friend! so I am accepted as I am. without a buddy by my side, my thoughts went up and down. panic mode to “fuck ya’ll I look GOOD” mode. feelin good to freaking out. even though I really liked my outfit and had fun in it, the moment I am alone and passing strangers on the street, I want to die.
good moment: across the street a smiling, bouncing couple walked to the corner and turned their eyes towards me. the woman was wearing a floppy hat and a cute dress. she was cheerful and kept her eyes locked in my direction. a smile stayed on her face as she said something to the guy she was with. my impression was, they liked what I was working and I entertained them for a brief second.
bad moment: walking further down the street I saw an attractive asian male on a smoke break outside a restaurant, talking on his phone. I averted my eyes, lost my confidence and my head fell as I tried to walk past quickly. “there is no way he would find me attractive right now” was my first and only thought (unless he was into girls who look like little boys, which I shouldn’t be so quick to discredit him I suppose).
things I have to tell myself: no one cares, no one is giving you or your outfit a second thought, everyone else wears ill-fitting and badly coordinated clothes all the time that are lame/you would never wear, you can’t attract like-minded fun/fashionable people if you aren’t yourself.
simple, basic, every day facts.