I keep getting lost in my thoughts. I dip a toe in just to test the thought water–maybe plan on committing to some ankle-level wading around in day dreams. but before I know it, a large wave of overwhelming thoughts crash into me and I’m swept out into an entire ocean of non-sequitur images, ideas, plans, hopes, dreams, goals, wants, needs, memories, and a long to-do list that I immediately forget because the last thing on my mind is the present.
In the middle of these thoughts, I startle myself back to present by really looking around. On the subway today, I was mentally swimming around when the train shot out above ground and I saw the city I was in. Seoul! It was that time of day when the sun set and your eyes see a flat color of light. shrouded in winter time dusk, the tall cement buildings with glowing hangul signs felt like I was in a Blade Runner spin-off. a pang hit my heart. I was really here, on this part of the planet, in this world–one I don’t know much about. it’s always exciting when I re-realize this, no matter how many times I need to pull myself together and be present.
Yasunori Mitsuda – Secret of the Forest (Chrono Trigger OST)
film, grain, light, clouds, perpetual rain, images, ghosts, haunting, forest, wind, twisted branches, together, alone, calming, peaceful, green moss, brown wood, red stones, fallen leaves, wet ground, dusk, tall grass, 2 paths, steep slopes, breeze, secret, past, memories, exploring, future, spirits, resilience, stormy, brisk, last, adventure, cliffs, waves, darkness.
my mind wanders too rapidly to focus these days. I got my blog back (thanks mom!) but can’t think of one thing to focus on. so from here, I will ramble. It will be as random as a cat in a bag. speaking of which, check out this cat in a bag. my new friend has a cat–probably the best cat I’ve ever met–and this cat has no name. it is fluffy, talkative (only when you first meet) and complacent. he likes to play, but only for a minute.
my new friend and I had a casual Sunday, a type of comfortable hang time I knew existed but hadn’t been available to me for quite sometime. the type of hang out where no plans are made before hand except the reassurance of seeing each other. plans that had no set time arrival or departure. it was quite natural and the hang flow fell right into place, like an easy game of tetris. the type of hang you see common place in 90s sitcoms, where there are no boundaries from neighbors. did I mention, we are neighbors? in a really cool neighborhood? in Seoul?
So, I’m out of money. utterly/completely. paid bills, paid rent (had to use my christmas money for this, I just wanted a coat, maybe a lamp… don’t I sound old timey levels of poor and pathetic? I kind of am) and scrounging for won to buy $13 strawberries because I need vitamin C (and something sweet).
What I mean to say is this blog and my site are about to go down. down into the pits of the internet because I don’t have the funds to keep it afloat right now.
I decided something specific about my character awhile ago. I said to myself “as long as I am warm, fed and entertained” I will be the most patient, comfortable and agreeable person you’ve ever met. I was tested a year ago when I was in a commercial and had to arrive on set at 7:20AM and didn’t shoot my part until 7:20PM. I was sitting by myself for nearly 12 hours. however, I had a book I enjoyed, there was free food and later I took a nap on a chair. I also conversed with some interesting people as well. best 12 hours wasted of my life.
so, these first 2 weeks in Seoul were grumpy and sad because I was A) freezing 2) starving and d) couldn’t get organized to accomplish anything. now it all makes sense why I was being a baby. since the last post I have moved into a very warm room, recieved a package of things I can eat and my attitude has flipped for the best. I AM EFFING PUMPED! I AM IN EFFIN SEOUL, YA’LL!! I wish it didn’t take me so long to soak it in, but at least I’ve crawled out of the swamp of my own mind and shook it off.
I’m here. I’ve been here for nearly two weeks now, yet I’m still out of order. Have you ever tried to explain to someone an incredible vague dream that was almost too hard to put into words? Over explaining one simple concept just still couldn’t portray what you saw or felt while you were having this dream? The type of dream where you say:
“Then my friend appeared. but it wasn’t my friend, I couldn’t see their face. actually, they looked like someone I’ve never met, but in the dream I knew it was my friend.”
Seoul is a familar stranger to me. In combination with the other types of dreams wherein you can’t speak or hear a communicable language back and forth, that is what Seoul has been like so far. the vertical signs, the dark haired masses and small shops feel like Japan, but something is different. oh, it’s a whole ‘nother country and culture! I can’t help but compare things without accepting them first, but I’m still new at this. isn’t that what people naturally do though? compare and contrast what they know and what they begin to learn? everything I know about Korea is through pop music, dramas and vengeance films.
In 30 days I am leaving behind everything I am familiar with. all my friends, family, and the one person who loves me unconditionally. I am sacrificing security and comfort. I am trading it all to move to a country I have never been to, where I only know the popular dance moves and how to say “Hello! I love you! Really?”. I have a one-way ticket to Seoul, with dreams to be on billboards and magazines.
When I was younger I wanted desperately to be famous. I wanted to grow up and be a pop star. While day dreaming at dinner, lolling peas about with my fork, I told my parents I would be famous one day. I would buy them Cadillacs, mansions and trips to exotic beaches. they always laughed and incredulously asked how I would go about doing that. I simply said “I’m going to be discovered”. more uproarious laughter. they probably thought their daughter was just dreaming out her butt, head in the clouds with zero work ethic. well, not too much has changed from when I was 10, but I am working a lot harder at these goals (before the looks run out). 15 years later, I was discovered during a hair show and signed to a modeling agency the following week.
for just a moment, I felt as if I was living in a beautiful and skillfully described short paragraph in a book. a story that maybe not everyone has read, but the author put their heart and soul into telling.
a vivid and wonderful handful of seconds that could only be painted by a talented person with the ability to describe an atmosphere with a flourish of fancy words, carefully lined in a sculpted sentence.
to convey a strong yet vague portrait of a snapshot in time is not something I can do. to share a distinct but at the same time ambivalent air of abstract, I can’t quite figure it out.
it was warm, it was peaceful. it was quiet yet loud. it was calming but exciting. it was like a playful smirk but hiding something secret. all around me. I felt infinite in a comfortable and confined box.
when I became aware of it, I accepted it and burned it into my brain to try and keep it there forever to come back to when I needed it. then the moment was gone, but I wasn’t sad. it was nice.
you just had to be there
Saturday began at 7:58 pm. the time when the sun was in the sky was meaningless and inconvenient. blinds were shut, movies were started, naps interrupted. I drove the long way ’round to the side of water I grew up on (but was not born in). I live now where I was born. only because I have a thoughtful and forward-thinking mother who was determined to bear me in a city that people know on a map, so I could grow up and tell people I was born IN Seattle and not have to lie about it to save time explaining what a “Kirkland” is. however, I like to tell that fun fact and thusly it adds time I was originally to save about the fascinating story of my birthplace.
Saturday night. went to Kirkland. Long way ’round. met up with a photographer bud to shoot some “Gucci Goth” (as he referred to it) shots around a marina. I approached Kirkland looking like a 90s goth club kid—all black asymmetrical dress, floppy black boots and a bowler hat. and let’s not ignore the bedazzled cross tank atop. I approached the sidewalk, dodging girls in neon sneakers and shorts, flipping their pony tails as they jogged with their tiny muppet dogs.
Definitely born in Seattle, not so much Kirkland.
after successful night time shoot with purple lipstick and wading in the water full of rocks, I maneuvered my way back to Seattle just in time to stop and grab a gluten-free pizza (pictured). got it to go, cuz I had to go. watch. STEPHEN CHOW MOVIES.
12:30 am, still “early”. Settled in, reading Murakami short stories (the elephant vanishes) when phone rings around 1:38 am. my friend Jazz! it must be an emergency!