I rest my fingertips lightly on my glowing keyboard. time to meticulously carve out a blog post. 「久しぶり」 I say to myself, one of the japanese words I have down pat because I say it constantly. if only I said all japanese words constantly, I would be fluent by now. my year 2.0 in japan is beginning, apparently. I haven’t seen much from my bedridden state. the 31st of december 2014, I came down with a debilitating flu, rendering my body heavy and unstable.
I’ve scrolled through my instagram feed with varied levels of envy as people snap photos of their firsts of the new year. first food, first trip, first memories of 2015. I know my year will begin soon, I’ll catch up. I lay on my side and pull the covers up to my nose and imagine what is in store for me in the coming months. 2015 will be great, if I could just get out of bed. my spirits are high, this isn’t the end. I’m not kicking myself for not washing my hands enough during cold and flu season, because kicking would require energy I don’t have. to feel so weak and useless is so frustrating. it only reminds me to motivate myself to keep active so I won’t feel like this again when I reach 80.
lying awake at 4am stiff and unable to sleep, I think back at 2014. what an emotionally juxtaposed year that was. from aimless depression to near enlightenment. 2014 was concurrently the lowest of lows and the happiest and most content I’ve ever been in my life.
I have some anxiety. an anxiety of troubling others. I don’t want to be a bother. because of this outlook, I used to be drawn to japan for this matter. most of society here is always keeping to themselves, staying out of the way and apologizing for creating the smallest amount of inconvenience to someone else. they rather take on a burden than burden others. I always related to that. I found boisterous, thoughtless people to be the absolute worst. I try to think of others because I want to be thought of in return. it’s not always the healthiest way to go about your life, as some things need to be said rather than bottled up. I am learning this slowly and painfully. I am already hyper aware of myself and that is not something I would gloss over easily in my list of flaws I will forever work on.
this anxiety also appears in my photography. one of my ridiculous worries is taking a photo of someone and they don’t like it. it’s selfish of someone to probably react in such a vain way of disapproving someone else’s art. maybe the camera tells too much truth? yes, you do look like that, with your face at that angle with your mouth open wide in that light. maybe your arms look a little fat here, but this is just a photo. would you look at the composition and the things around you? can’t you accept the photo as a picture and not as the “worst representation of your insecurities” image? people only focus on themselves.
right now our room is dim and it’s hard to tell what time it is. the light attempting to push it’s way through the frosted glass is weak, as the cloudy skies pour a steady stream of rain on tokyo this afternoon. I can hear the faint sound of rain outside, but the aircon heater hum is drowning out the delicate sounds. sometimes a large gust of wind rattles our cardboard house.
I love listening to the rain. no sound makes me happier or warmer than listening to rain outside the window. it’s december but it feels like a brisk fall. I’m still in denial it’s the month of holiday christmas spirit, even though I’ve spotted numerous christmas trees set up in public places and restaurants play midi-covers of american christmas music. I’m still in denial that it’s winter, only cold because I’m layering what small amount of fall clothes I cling to. it’s time to give in to the giant heavy coats, the beanie hats to pull over the ears and get some thick wool socks.
my eyes sting. lack of sleep, the awful fluorescent light or maybe the A/C blasting–a combination of all 3 probably. I spent most of the day a bit dizzy until I drank more alcohol at a gathering for a 3rd-tier k-pop star in a KBBQ oasis.
I feel like I am in a constant state of looking forward. I can’t remember where I have been because all I can concentrate on is worrying where I am going. It’s as if I fell asleep for a moment during a movie and I am trying to piece together everything else I missed. am I really in Tokyo? Wasn’t I just living in Seattle? no, I was in Seoul. it was cold there, what was I doing there. how did I survive with no money and no real job? How am I suddenly drenched in sweat in Tokyo when I recall being frozen every night in my basement apartment, awake at 4am drinking chicken broth and eating too much dark chocolate?
Yasunori Mitsuda – Secret of the Forest (Chrono Trigger OST)
film, grain, light, clouds, perpetual rain, images, ghosts, haunting, forest, wind, twisted branches, together, alone, calming, peaceful, green moss, brown wood, red stones, fallen leaves, wet ground, dusk, tall grass, 2 paths, steep slopes, breeze, secret, past, memories, exploring, future, spirits, resilience, stormy, brisk, last, adventure, cliffs, waves, darkness.
A lot of hits get redirected to this blog when people search for the fuji natura classica. mine broke over a year ago when it fell to a hardwood floor. my heart broke harder than the camera, for sure. it was my favorite camera and took the most incredible natural light photos. it felt so good when you held it. it was perfection. if you can’t decided wether to get one or not–GET ONE. don’t hesitate another second, you’ll wonder how you ever lived without it once you have it.
I took the opportunity to look into the predecessor of the the classica, the natura S. it was always like a fairy tale legend, as it was near to impossible to get ahold of one because they are discontinued. if you ever see one on ebay, black ones go for $800+, no lie. I have some friends at White Rabbit Express who helped me get a natura S from Yahoo! Auctions. it cost me $600, the rest of my money plus all birthday monies. a wider lens and a lower aperture than the classica, I was so excited to finally own this camera!
I have had it for a year now. the case is a bit bulkier than the classica, and sometimes I get out of focus photos. the camera tries to automatically use it’s flash which is negating the purpose of itself and main talent, natural light photos. overall I do not regret all the sweat, blood (AND MONEY) it took to get one of these rare gems. but I do wish to buy another classica some day.
in the first 2 weeks of feb I had 5 test shoots I coordinated with various photographers. it was pretty exciting. one of the shoots I did involved projecting images onto a wall/me, which was lots of fun. This one I did with Erik Simkins, who has some great street photography and behind the scenes stuff on his site. We worked only with film, and I really like how the grain and roughness of these photos give it another dimension of sort.
There was a kitten there named Edda, who looked like a tiny mainecoon cat. well, I assumed it was a cat but it was shaved in a way that it could have been an alien species that could mimic simliar attributes of an earth cat. it had giant green eyes that penetrated my soul to it’s core. I was a little obsessed with it because it played hard to get (see: skiddish) unless I had a tiny treat for it, and then it commenced crackhead attack mode.
the apartment in which we took pictures in was not the photographer’s, but a friend of his. it was decorated in a way that when he said he was a graphic designer, I understood immediately. it was very well styled. I hope they are a successful graphic designer, but if not they could always rely on contemporary hip interior decorating as a fall back.
I have many more shoots to post and a few more to come in March. I can’t wait!
I used to hate tea. Don’t know why I had such a strong opinion over it either way, I don’t remember even trying any when I was younger. This was also a time in my life where I would eat a lot of grossly saturated foods of sorts and thus, tea was a bland stale taste in comparison. tastes change, people change, tea stays the same. and it’s actually quite amazing. I’m admittedly quite obsessed with it now, having invested in many pricey devices to ensure I can quickly–without loss in quality–enjoy tea every day. I take everyone who peaks interest to a chinese tea shop downtown where we sit for hours and try every tea they have. loose leaf tea is my preferred tea snobbery of choice. I like that the tea has health benefits of different types, it’s fun to feel healthy and put good things in your body!
I just wonder if I had enjoyed tea 6 years ago as much as I do now, if there was a definite sliding door of a parallel path in my life that I missed. dramatic, I know. obviously things now would not be affected from one night several years past, but maybe there could have been more clarity from accepting a certain tea offer that I flippantly refused so long ago.
I remember the moment so vividly, when the tea was offered. I was getting ready to leave his apartment after a well needed talk was convoluted and not going so smoothly. the words exchanged other than “stay, I’ll make us some tea” and me refusing with “tea has too watered down of a flavor”, I don’t recall much else. He was leaning on the back of his couch and playfully put his hands in my jacket pockets as he made such an offer. it was adorable and I probably panicked. feeling overwhelmed that he was so close and casually being somewhat intimate for the first time, I pulled away not wanting him to see my cheeks light up with a red hue. I did feel that way about tea, though.
had I stayed for a talk over tea, would I have gotten that ease of mind I needed at the time?
perhaps depending on the tea. some tea has good un-clouding effects on the mind.
thinking about it now, he also offered numerous opportunities to talk over other such beverages but I blew it every time. so I guess the struggle was all my own over those immature tea-disliking years.
when tea is offered to you, drink!
To pick up from the last entry in New York… I did more cool things, saw out of town friends, made new friends, took more test shots, got a freelance job, flew out to Palm Springs, sold at a Vintage market and then celebrated my 5 year anniversary of being with the little* bear up at Mt. Rainier. It’s hard to blog when you take mostly film photos. I have 14 rolls that still are waiting to be developed from months ago.
it didn’t rain so much in New York, but it got misty in Buschwick one morning. you can’t really tell in the photo, however. Now I have been back in Seattle, loving the rain but falling way too quickly into the same routine as pre-month-in-NYC. I wouldn’t want to live there, but subletting a few months at a time could be ideal. it’s all hustlin there, which is productive and all, but I would get NO anime watching in that’s for sure.
I came across my old blogspot I used for 12 entries sprinkled throughout 2009. I enjoyed the titles I used. and I liked the formulated rambling I did. I am not very good at blogging, am I? I am speaking into the depths of the internet as nothing echos back at me. I don’t suspect anyone will come across this, so no use in expecting an answer. it’s obvious.
“Sorry”, I shrug to no one reading this.
I promise not to make any empty promises about blogging better.
2012 has a lot in store, this I know. Good, bad, and the like.
(listen to some lightrain ambiance.)
I miss the rain. it rained all summer, I was thrilled. now everyone has been saying it’ll be an “Indian Summer”, it has been 80 degrees all weekend. I am allergic to the sun real bad, and that’s not just the new realized goth in me pretending to be dramatic. I burn, I get heat rash, sunstroke, dehydration, dizziness… instantaneously! I swear! I am a delicate flower. well, maybe more like a moss or fern-type plant. something that steers clear of sunlight. I love Seattle because it is overcast and misty. I also love that no one is outside when it rains. the sound and the smell make me nostalgic for life. my heart hurts when it rains because I love it so much and I don’t know how else to proclaim my love for it.
I think about Japan a lot. before, when I longed to live there, I imagined myself there in Tokyo. I would imagine looking out the window, out of my apartment and it would be raining. my heart would skip a beat at the thought as if I just made eye contact with a junior high school crush. Thinking of smelling and listening to and watching rain fall is the equivalent to wanting to obtain a crush’s returned feelings. I never know when the rain will come next or for how long, but I wish it would stick around and let me be with it forever.
I made this flickr gallery of beautiful atmospheres involving a rainy day.
rain reign, a gallery on Flickr.