I have some anxiety. an anxiety of troubling others. I don’t want to be a bother. because of this outlook, I used to be drawn to japan for this matter. most of society here is always keeping to themselves, staying out of the way and apologizing for creating the smallest amount of inconvenience to someone else. they rather take on a burden than burden others. I always related to that. I found boisterous, thoughtless people to be the absolute worst. I try to think of others because I want to be thought of in return. it’s not always the healthiest way to go about your life, as some things need to be said rather than bottled up. I am learning this slowly and painfully. I am already hyper aware of myself and that is not something I would gloss over easily in my list of flaws I will forever work on.
this anxiety also appears in my photography. one of my ridiculous worries is taking a photo of someone and they don’t like it. it’s selfish of someone to probably react in such a vain way of disapproving someone else’s art. maybe the camera tells too much truth? yes, you do look like that, with your face at that angle with your mouth open wide in that light. maybe your arms look a little fat here, but this is just a photo. would you look at the composition and the things around you? can’t you accept the photo as a picture and not as the “worst representation of your insecurities” image? people only focus on themselves.
right now our room is dim and it’s hard to tell what time it is. the light attempting to push it’s way through the frosted glass is weak, as the cloudy skies pour a steady stream of rain on tokyo this afternoon. I can hear the faint sound of rain outside, but the aircon heater hum is drowning out the delicate sounds. sometimes a large gust of wind rattles our cardboard house.
I love listening to the rain. no sound makes me happier or warmer than listening to rain outside the window. it’s december but it feels like a brisk fall. I’m still in denial it’s the month of holiday christmas spirit, even though I’ve spotted numerous christmas trees set up in public places and restaurants play midi-covers of american christmas music. I’m still in denial that it’s winter, only cold because I’m layering what small amount of fall clothes I cling to. it’s time to give in to the giant heavy coats, the beanie hats to pull over the ears and get some thick wool socks.
saturday I rode my bike around, chasing shadows and light. I bundled up for late november but once I stepped outside, it wasn’t chilly out at all. in fact, it was a perfect day. it was like a late seattle summer, cold for californians and maybe too hot for pacific northwesterners. I was in 2 places at once. it reminded me of the home I left behind for the home I always held in my heart. I rode around my neighborhood searching for interesting shapes the sun created in the early afternoon. Sunday I was going to have my first test shoot with a japanese male model in training. my first test shoot since the moment I decided to deem/label myself a “photographer”.