I used to say “I’m not boy crazy, I’m romantic possibility obsessed”, as my clever defense against other’s mislabeling me “boy crazy”. their lack of understanding why I always be instant-crushin was a thorn in my side and a misunderstanding of my character. it’s true though, that I am on a constant crusade for a connection, a heart-skip moment, any eye-contact that results in sparks, an accidental brush of the hand that creates shivers, and excitable night conversations that go on for so long the morning light makes us realize we must stop exchanging words so our bodies can recharge since we’re not immortal (unfortunately).
So when I hone in on a cute boy across a crowd of disgruntled, sweaty sad faces, I am merely anxiously awaiting for the butterflies to hatch in my belly and flutter around, hoping our pinkies are tied with an invisible red string that only fate can tug at. there are many variations of romantic exchanges, from subtle secret moments to full-blown once-in-a-lifetime epic tales that are retold again and again in movies and supermarket pulp novels. I want to experience the whole spectrum.
I lost myself. where was I for 6 months. I remember being on top of that 12 story building, watching the first sun rise of 2014, resilient thoughts of hope, unwavering inspirational images flashing through my mind. “this is it, this is the year everything goes right” I told myself. everyone said similar thoughts aloud, and I believed them.
somewhere I lost myself. it’s half way through 2014 and 6 months I spent without a job, aimlessly floating, forgetting what I was doing hour to hour, day by day until it become month to month. a collection of empty days, lined up like dust-covered beanie babies. whats the point. I imagine sand running through my fingers as a clear representation of where my time went. what did I accomplish? my memory is shrouded. I went to Seoul, ok. I came back to Tokyo and waited. and waited. waited 6 months total to receive my visa I applied for in January. nothing could start, nothing could begin. not without the visa. I had to look through my instagram feed to double check if I did anything. apparently, I did some things. saw some people, ate some food. that’s a relief. why do I feel like I am sitting here with nothing to show? 6 months, I could have studied Japanese. I could have watched more movies. I could have gotten into shape. all that time, what did I do? all the things I want to do but was too listless to do it day to day. a collection of moldy, moth-eaten, polyester pointed-collar clothes from the 70s. worthless.
as I walked home drunk, I was already conjuring up the exact sentences I wanted to type on my glowing keyboard. my brain began to predict what I wanted to say 20 minutes before I reached the ability to present my thoughts to the internet. I narrated my present for the future, but now I forget what was so great about it at the time.
I live a new life where drinking is the norm nearly every night. This happens because I befriended cute bartenders, japanese acquaintances, go clubbing, stay out all night, have access to cheap convenience store alcohol and live with a writer/ex-tokyo socialite who’s somewhat source of inspiration and socialization is whiskey. it’s also our part-time side job to get paid to drink. I have never drank so much in my life. I’m writing this drunk, although I feel of sound and mind (because I like to think I built up a tolerance) and have no idea when I have actually drank too much anymore until someone tells me the following day that I was really loud the previous night (excited, probably) and I discover mysterious bruises on body parts I don’t recall coming into contact with hard objects.
my eyes sting. lack of sleep, the awful fluorescent light or maybe the A/C blasting–a combination of all 3 probably. I spent most of the day a bit dizzy until I drank more alcohol at a gathering for a 3rd-tier k-pop star in a KBBQ oasis.
I feel like I am in a constant state of looking forward. I can’t remember where I have been because all I can concentrate on is worrying where I am going. It’s as if I fell asleep for a moment during a movie and I am trying to piece together everything else I missed. am I really in Tokyo? Wasn’t I just living in Seattle? no, I was in Seoul. it was cold there, what was I doing there. how did I survive with no money and no real job? How am I suddenly drenched in sweat in Tokyo when I recall being frozen every night in my basement apartment, awake at 4am drinking chicken broth and eating too much dark chocolate?
I keep getting lost in my thoughts. I dip a toe in just to test the thought water–maybe plan on committing to some ankle-level wading around in day dreams. but before I know it, a large wave of overwhelming thoughts crash into me and I’m swept out into an entire ocean of non-sequitur images, ideas, plans, hopes, dreams, goals, wants, needs, memories, and a long to-do list that I immediately forget because the last thing on my mind is the present.
In the middle of these thoughts, I startle myself back to present by really looking around. On the subway today, I was mentally swimming around when the train shot out above ground and I saw the city I was in. Seoul! It was that time of day when the sun set and your eyes see a flat color of light. shrouded in winter time dusk, the tall cement buildings with glowing hangul signs felt like I was in a Blade Runner spin-off. a pang hit my heart. I was really here, on this part of the planet, in this world–one I don’t know much about. it’s always exciting when I re-realize this, no matter how many times I need to pull myself together and be present.
To pick up from the last entry in New York… I did more cool things, saw out of town friends, made new friends, took more test shots, got a freelance job, flew out to Palm Springs, sold at a Vintage market and then celebrated my 5 year anniversary of being with the little* bear up at Mt. Rainier. It’s hard to blog when you take mostly film photos. I have 14 rolls that still are waiting to be developed from months ago.
it didn’t rain so much in New York, but it got misty in Buschwick one morning. you can’t really tell in the photo, however. Now I have been back in Seattle, loving the rain but falling way too quickly into the same routine as pre-month-in-NYC. I wouldn’t want to live there, but subletting a few months at a time could be ideal. it’s all hustlin there, which is productive and all, but I would get NO anime watching in that’s for sure.
I came across my old blogspot I used for 12 entries sprinkled throughout 2009. I enjoyed the titles I used. and I liked the formulated rambling I did. I am not very good at blogging, am I? I am speaking into the depths of the internet as nothing echos back at me. I don’t suspect anyone will come across this, so no use in expecting an answer. it’s obvious.
“Sorry”, I shrug to no one reading this.
I promise not to make any empty promises about blogging better.
2012 has a lot in store, this I know. Good, bad, and the like.
I’m terrible. I had Devin take these photos because I was going to use myself as a drawing reference to sketch some things. I saw how these photos turned out, and fell in love with myself (this is not the first time). Wasn’t there some roman greek idiot who saw his reflection in a pool and then died because he stared at the pool forever and starved (probably looking continually great, loosing weight)? Clearly I don’t remember, but it could have been me.
It’s 3AM and I’m depriving myself of sleep because I keep going back to these photos. I just want to draw again. what a fiasco. I’m letting myself indulge (…myself), because for the past 4 or so years I haven’t felt as attractive as I used to feel. Oh those LJ days when I was 19 and totally into myself… It was that age that most people start to be more self aware, and I was in full throttle. Over time I developed a thing called ‘humility’. I recently dyed my hair to blonde for a third time. a lot has happened in my psyche since the last time I was blonde, 2 years prior.
My main point in bringing this up (to myself, since no one reads this but me), is right now I am reading this incredible shoujo manga called ‘MARS’ from 1996. The main character (a beautiful young guy, ‘bishonen’ if you will) reveals he had a twin. Later it is further revealed his twin committed suicide. There is an image and a moment in the manga where he is looking at his twin, dead on the pavement (jumped from the school roof). “He saw himself dead”.
Beautiful twins! oh how I wish I could watch myself without a mirror! I’d make myself laugh, I’d dress myself up! If I were twins, I would do me. I’m my own type. I fascinate myself, which is retarded. let me lie here, drowning in the reflection pool. end of self indulgence.
“It’s Gob(nils)lin spelled backwards!” Nils and I had a shoot today in his apartment for his album. It was fun, as taking photos with friends tends to be.
I’ve been debating with myself wether to keep up a blog or not. it would obviously just be for my own amusement since I know a total of 1 (maybe even 2) people read this. I apologize for abandoning it, especially after working so hard to customize a wordpress, damn that shit was tough.
I haven’t been documenting my life at all these past few years as much as I used to. this is the time to do it, if ever, as many a great things have been happening! 2010 was a slow start, but I had lots of faith in it. once I turned 25 I figured out the formula: even numbered years and odd numbered ages are the best combos of my life. It’s all math, really.
I keep procrastinating, blaming non-blogging on film development. I tell myself I’ll back-log entries, but honestly… c’mon. as a mature 25 year old woman, I am learning quickly to stop lying to myself. I’ve been with myself for 25 whole years, who knows me better than me? me. the answer is me.
I have 4 big goals to reach in 4 months. I feel like I’m making pretty good time so far. although it’s been approx 1 day since I wrote them down on paper.
GANBATTANEEE (がんばってね~!), ME!
mostly people complain on the internet. I want to note that things are good and great and getting brighter every day. I’m the poorest I’ve ever been, but I got a lot to look forward to. so much so that I might lose what’s behind me, therefore I make this simple note to myself to remember. things could potentially suck.
but I’m too busy looking to the good stuff! birthday, adventure buddies, ocean shores, camping, L.A., A.J., SMTOWN! Super Junior dreams coming true, fall, rain and then….. moving to JAPAN! somewhere in between there devin and I will be together 4 solid loving years.
reveling in the moments before something may or may not turn sour. I will receive the future with open arms good or bad! ugh, how sappy am I sounding… “life rules!” ha ha, whatever. enjoying it.
I finally got access to some really old photos my uncle scanned ages ago. I found some photos specifically of/from my grandpa’s old house up in Anacortes. for the past few months I’ve been wanting to go back to the area, and have been dreaming of that old house. I had forgotten how breath taking the view was, as the last time I was there I was probably in junior high. I remember calling that island full of trees ‘dinosaur island’ when I was little because it looked like a dino laying down to me. I told everyone that’s what it was called, as if that was fact. My grandpa had a huge backyard for my grandma to garden in. If I were to go back today it would probably seem smaller. all the halls were decorated with masks and artifacts from my grandpa’s worldly travels. India, France, Africa etc etc. the fire place was all jagged stone. there was no basement, but just a garage and a wine cellar down stairs. they had the perfect kitchen and dinning room for entertaining guests. it was huge and beautiful. my most vivid memory of my grandma ruby is her in the kitchen at her favorite seat smoking, playing solitaire and watching murder she wrote. for family holiday gatherings I mostly stayed in the computer room playing old games on 5″ floppy disks. I had no cousins my age, and I liked the games better anyway. when I stayed over, my visits consisted of eating a lot of bread with margarine, renting ‘Ernest Bloopers’ on VHS from Island Video over and over and taking a bath every night before bed.
the house was sold a few years after my grandma ruby passed in 1996. I wish I could see that house again.