time for that bi-yearly blog post.
a few months ago, someone I found very attractive was briefly showing interest in me. for probably many deep emotional reasons I don’t feel like over-analyzing, I had a hard time accepting their words of flirtation. not surprisingly, they found someone else in front of their face and left me to return to my normal life of no one attractive talking to me. I was comforted in the familiar feeling of not being “the one” for them. 2nd place, second string, bench warmer, temporary, fleeting, for now, a place holder. ah, rejection, nice to see you again. come on in, make yourself at home. this is my comfort zone, the spot at the empty table of my very own pity party. for some reason, I always imagine myself wearing a pointy polka-dotted birthday hat when I think of the words “pity party”.
filled with angst that I knew would fade shortly, I rushed through the motions and feigned heart break of losing the attention of a hot person so I could move on with my life. after that month long distraction I re-focused my precious time to more important things. not handsome korean men but plants.
I rest my fingertips lightly on my glowing keyboard. time to meticulously carve out a blog post. 「久しぶり」 I say to myself, one of the japanese words I have down pat because I say it constantly. if only I said all japanese words constantly, I would be fluent by now. my year 2.0 in japan is beginning, apparently. I haven’t seen much from my bedridden state. the 31st of december 2014, I came down with a debilitating flu, rendering my body heavy and unstable.
I’ve scrolled through my instagram feed with varied levels of envy as people snap photos of their firsts of the new year. first food, first trip, first memories of 2015. I know my year will begin soon, I’ll catch up. I lay on my side and pull the covers up to my nose and imagine what is in store for me in the coming months. 2015 will be great, if I could just get out of bed. my spirits are high, this isn’t the end. I’m not kicking myself for not washing my hands enough during cold and flu season, because kicking would require energy I don’t have. to feel so weak and useless is so frustrating. it only reminds me to motivate myself to keep active so I won’t feel like this again when I reach 80.
lying awake at 4am stiff and unable to sleep, I think back at 2014. what an emotionally juxtaposed year that was. from aimless depression to near enlightenment. 2014 was concurrently the lowest of lows and the happiest and most content I’ve ever been in my life.
I lost myself. where was I for 6 months. I remember being on top of that 12 story building, watching the first sun rise of 2014, resilient thoughts of hope, unwavering inspirational images flashing through my mind. “this is it, this is the year everything goes right” I told myself. everyone said similar thoughts aloud, and I believed them.
somewhere I lost myself. it’s half way through 2014 and 6 months I spent without a job, aimlessly floating, forgetting what I was doing hour to hour, day by day until it become month to month. a collection of empty days, lined up like dust-covered beanie babies. whats the point. I imagine sand running through my fingers as a clear representation of where my time went. what did I accomplish? my memory is shrouded. I went to Seoul, ok. I came back to Tokyo and waited. and waited. waited 6 months total to receive my visa I applied for in January. nothing could start, nothing could begin. not without the visa. I had to look through my instagram feed to double check if I did anything. apparently, I did some things. saw some people, ate some food. that’s a relief. why do I feel like I am sitting here with nothing to show? 6 months, I could have studied Japanese. I could have watched more movies. I could have gotten into shape. all that time, what did I do? all the things I want to do but was too listless to do it day to day. a collection of moldy, moth-eaten, polyester pointed-collar clothes from the 70s. worthless.
my eyes sting. lack of sleep, the awful fluorescent light or maybe the A/C blasting–a combination of all 3 probably. I spent most of the day a bit dizzy until I drank more alcohol at a gathering for a 3rd-tier k-pop star in a KBBQ oasis.
I feel like I am in a constant state of looking forward. I can’t remember where I have been because all I can concentrate on is worrying where I am going. It’s as if I fell asleep for a moment during a movie and I am trying to piece together everything else I missed. am I really in Tokyo? Wasn’t I just living in Seattle? no, I was in Seoul. it was cold there, what was I doing there. how did I survive with no money and no real job? How am I suddenly drenched in sweat in Tokyo when I recall being frozen every night in my basement apartment, awake at 4am drinking chicken broth and eating too much dark chocolate?
I went to Thailand with only the knowledge that a lot of people like to visit Thailand. What I also did not know was the “rules to traveling guide” (made up by some guy I met while traveling) lists “do not fall in love” as rule #1 (and also again as rule #3). as far as rules go, I am not one to follow any (not even my own). and as other sayings by other people who don’t like rules (or authority or being told how to live their lives) goes: break rules. wait, no, it’s like “rules are made to be broken” so, who cares about rules.
Yasunori Mitsuda – Secret of the Forest (Chrono Trigger OST)
film, grain, light, clouds, perpetual rain, images, ghosts, haunting, forest, wind, twisted branches, together, alone, calming, peaceful, green moss, brown wood, red stones, fallen leaves, wet ground, dusk, tall grass, 2 paths, steep slopes, breeze, secret, past, memories, exploring, future, spirits, resilience, stormy, brisk, last, adventure, cliffs, waves, darkness.
In 30 days I am leaving behind everything I am familiar with. all my friends, family, and the one person who loves me unconditionally. I am sacrificing security and comfort. I am trading it all to move to a country I have never been to, where I only know the popular dance moves and how to say “Hello! I love you! Really?”. I have a one-way ticket to Seoul, with dreams to be on billboards and magazines.
in this outfit, I am an unpopular 12 year old boy. but I am the type of 12 year old middle school boy who doesn’t give a shit, and wears what he likes. I probably read comics during math class and skip after school sports by riding my skateboard down to the pizza joint to play arcade games. girls probably like me, but I am too busy with my paper route and saving up for action figures to notice them. girls are gross anyway.
eat my shorts.
I am a cult classic movie in a niche market. that’s the type of girl I am, and I have always used this metaphor to remind myself not everyone wants me. this has never been a shocking discovery at a moment of awakening. I have a distinct and unwavering personality, I’m what you’re looking for or I’m not (that sentence wasn’t meant to sound “abrasive in-your-face” or anything, I think that’s just how it must be with me). Before I even got into modeling, I knew all about rejection and tried to prepare myself for it. Rejection and I are familiar friends, actually. We really got to know each other for awhile but as these things go, sometimes you lose touch. occasionally I would run into Rejection and we would acknowledge each other from afar in passing or even stop to make small talk about his wife, the kids. you know, this and that. Rejection and I will never be total strangers, I cross paths with Rejection as if we were tied by the red string of fate. it’s not a surprise to see Rejection when I do, but it can be a chore to make that pointless small exchange after all these years.
Yesterday I got the bad news. My beloved Fuji Natura Classica camera cannot be fixed. not easily, not cheap, not in the US, not without a part that can’tbe obtained. the $350 camera (sometimes more, but never less) is unfixable. It fell, it hit a floor. the lens wouldn’t come out without screaming in pain and the shutter wouldn’t let go. I had a 1600 B&W Neopan in the camera still with 14 shots left. I was able to save the film, but what a waste. they don’t even make that kind anymore? I want another Fuji Natura ASAP, but I haven’t had extra funds for over 7 months and still no job. I’m maxed out, bottom of the barrel. it’s bad. all I want is my camera. the best film camera I’ve ever had, and the most expensive, straight from Japan. sigh.
My flickr Fuji Natura set.
I love you, Classica!
I miss you!