I keep getting lost in my thoughts. I dip a toe in just to test the thought water–maybe plan on committing to some ankle-level wading around in day dreams. but before I know it, a large wave of overwhelming thoughts crash into me and I’m swept out into an entire ocean of non-sequitur images, ideas, plans, hopes, dreams, goals, wants, needs, memories, and a long to-do list that I immediately forget because the last thing on my mind is the present.
In the middle of these thoughts, I startle myself back to present by really looking around. On the subway today, I was mentally swimming around when the train shot out above ground and I saw the city I was in. Seoul! It was that time of day when the sun set and your eyes see a flat color of light. shrouded in winter time dusk, the tall cement buildings with glowing hangul signs felt like I was in a Blade Runner spin-off. a pang hit my heart. I was really here, on this part of the planet, in this world–one I don’t know much about. it’s always exciting when I re-realize this, no matter how many times I need to pull myself together and be present.
I am bursting at the seams with too much thought. overflowing. I can’t control or contain it. I’m tired. when does the curiosity and concern subside? when can I stop caring about things? This is a lot of work. If I could power a plane on this never-ending train of brain energy, maybe I could see the entire world and get over it. the thoughts are better in my brain; out loud I am self-conscious, which concerns me.
I need a mantra. I want a mentor. I want to be a muse. I won’t force it, as those things need to happen naturally in life. but I am eager to put something back into the world after I take so much. I might say I just want to give up, but that’s just for show. it’s the sugar-crash talking. no way would I be able to get away with that, in this mental state.
I’m having a great time. there is so much to be done, every day is literally a real-life “choose your own adventure” book. from which alley I decide to turn down to what food I eat. I walked down an alley I hadn’t seen before and saw a quote on a building: “Death is nothing… but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily”. applicable. today I ate something I didn’t recognize with a weird texture, but I’m sure it was full of vitamins.
photos by andre kong