write the special something

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I keep getting lost in my thoughts. I dip a toe in just to test the thought water–maybe plan on committing to some ankle-level wading around in day dreams. but before I know it, a large wave of overwhelming thoughts crash into me and I’m swept out into an entire ocean of non-sequitur images, ideas, plans, hopes, dreams, goals, wants, needs, memories, and a long to-do list that I immediately forget because the last thing on my mind is the present.

In the middle of these thoughts, I startle myself back to present by really looking around. On the subway today, I was mentally swimming around when the train shot out above ground and I saw the city I was in. Seoul! It was that time of day when the sun set and your eyes see a flat color of light. shrouded in winter time dusk, the tall cement buildings with glowing hangul signs felt like I was in a Blade Runner spin-off. a pang hit my heart. I was really here, on this part of the planet, in this world–one I don’t know much about. it’s always exciting when I re-realize this, no matter how many times I need to pull myself together and be present.

I am bursting at the seams with too much thought. overflowing. I can’t control or contain it. I’m tired. when does the curiosity and concern subside? when can I stop caring about things? This is a lot of work. If I could power a plane on this never-ending train of brain energy, maybe I could see the entire world and get over it. the thoughts are better in my brain; out loud I am self-conscious, which concerns me.

I need a mantra. I want a mentor. I want to be a muse. I won’t force it, as those things need to happen naturally in life. but I am eager to put something back into the world after I take so much. I might say I just want to give up, but that’s just for show. it’s the sugar-crash talking. no way would I be able to get away with that, in this mental state.

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I’m having a great time. there is so much to be done, every day is literally a real-life “choose your own adventure” book. from which alley I decide to turn down to what food I eat. I walked down an alley I hadn’t seen before and saw a quote on a building: “Death is nothing… but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily”. applicable. today I ate something I didn’t recognize with a weird texture, but I’m sure it was full of vitamins.

photos by andre kong

3 Comments

  1. Fleur says:

    I would love to live in a “choose your own adventure” book world as well! I would imagine that I would do things I would normally never do!
    Your blog is amazing, my dear ;)
    xx

    • alextthomas says:

      maybe it feels more book-like and mysterious because I am in an unfamiliar land. but if I put my mind to it, almost every day anywhere could be a “choose your own adventure” book”! you just gotta have the right outlook.

      So, do things you don’t “normally do” everyday! that keeps things exciting, no matter where you are. it’s all your attitude, I think. I struggled a lot back at home before I came to Seoul. but I tried to make it worthwhile. I went exploring to neighborhoods I’d never been. simple, but effective.

      go choose your adventure now! don’t wait!

  2. Fleur says:

    Hm, I recognize that feeling… But, keep your head up, and you will survive! you look like a brave one, so everything will end up well :)
    I love your Mickey Mouse tee btw!
    xx

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February 14, 2013 days